TBT 5-90

I'm kind of so close to getting tattoo'd, I'm going a little crazy about it. (PINS HERE). I woke up a little refreshed this morning, but super stuffed up. I have deep sleeps when I'm snotty, but find that they're not good sleeps because I still feel pooped. Tis life without caffeine... still getting used to it. Maybe it's because I went to work and stared at my computer (and got stuff done!) But I have a hard time being motivated when there's the combination of being tired and having too much stuff to do :(

After a lunch date where I completely forgot to focus on eating clean (fuckity fuck fuck) I came home to an unfavourable derby situation and spent the afternoon in the arms of friends, pretty much bawling my eyes out for a few hours non-stop. Derby has always been challenging for me. A lot of it is getting over my shit personally about my journey to being a skater (and not just a derby girl) and that paired with being the president of the league (which has also has its challenges, maintaining vision, being worried about retention and capacity) is really difficult for me. This isn't my first time being a skater and a board member didn't go hand in hand together, last time I let my skater self go, and this time I'm pretty sure I'm giving myself a hiatus from skating until our AGM at the end of March when I'm no longer going to be at a board level. It's absolutely devastating, and this article from Derby Life was a good indicator, "I'm not alone in the world feeling this way!"

Sure, I could suck it up, bottle or deal with my emotions, strap my skates on and go to practice, but I need to step back and give the league some space to sort out the drama without my omnipresent self. I also need to make sure my husband remains sane, that I get to keep cuddling my baby, and that I feel safe going to derby. Because right now I don't feel that way and I'd rather stay home and workout here or go to the pool or the gym (because I am hooked on this difficult journey of "being an athlete"!! Despite my slips these last few days). Also, my sore knee is frustrating GRRRRR and the work / derby stress has led to a lot of emotional eating that I'd like to get control of. It feels pretty shitty, and quickly.

Food I ate today:
2 Lara Bars
Vanilla Rooibos Tea (plain)
2 cups sliced peaches (home canned in water)
Spicy Homemade Ramen w/ miso
veggie tempura
vegan pizza w/ whole wheat crust!
snacks and red wine

yeah, right. fell asleep with the baby. puffy face. tension tamer bed and sleep.

1 comment:

Mountain Girl said...

I'm teary at the thought that you don't feel safe going to derby right now, and that you are kept from something you love so much. Truly a case of something that can cause so much pleasure, but also so much pain. Have faith that balance will be restored my friend.